Mindless and numb

                                       

I admit, I gambled and I lost big-time.

Bloody. Crap. Bullshit.

I could think of lots of evil things to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I didn't know that pain could be this painful.

I hate pain. Really.

It sucks out all the positivity in my mind until I'm left with none. That's why I have to pour out my heart's content just to feel at ease and be comforted somewhow. Somehow. I wish.

This might take me days, weeks, months or I dunno. I hope it won't take years. I don't think I have enough strength to endure a year-long pain. Oh damn.

Am I really a bad person?

What did I do to deserve this kind of pain?

A part of me says that I had to let go, but a bigger part of me wants to stay tuned and see what's forthcoming. I'd like to think that the spirit of goodness allowed me to think of the latter.

I hope so.

I don't know what will become of me if this won't pass.

I will definitely wallow.

I'll allow myself to wallow. Eat big servings. Watch movies. Read pathetic novels just to assure myself that I'm not alone in this silent battle. Skydive perhaps or travel alone. I don't know.

I hope answers will come real quick before I lose my sanity.

God, I hope so.