Saturday, March 20, 2010

Summer heat, PMS & more yada yada

Blame the preposterously mad summer heat. You know, that icky feeling you have when you wake up late Saturday morning because folks adhere to some unwritten notice that AC unit should be put off at 6 a.m. Argh. Then you learn that your river-soaked clothes from last weekend's escapade are waiting for laundry rescue from the bottom of your backpack. Worse, they smell bad already. And much worse, my closet looks like it's been hit by a tropical cyclone. I admit, this is just all part of PMS.

Irritability, tension, unhappiness, fears. Screw you, PMS!

Sometimes I have really, really irrational fears that come out of nowhere, and they sort of take over my brain for a while. So today I decided that it might help if I write them down and share them with the entire blogdom. You know, like it might just make me feel a little better to know that everyone who reads my blog knows how I really feel deep down inside, on my worst days.

What if I never achieve anything great in my life?
What if I just think I have something great to offer the world, but really I don't?
What if I spend my whole life doing a job I like, but don't love, just because I want the security of having a job, and then I never make enough art and I forget my passion and I wake up and I'm 40 and I've made nothing significant?
What if I just keep telling myself
there's always tomorrow, and I put off all the things I want to do, just because it's easier that way?

It's just one day, one day, one day after another.

What if there's actually no order to the universe, and every action is ultimately devoid of meaning?
What if that lack of order means that it's possible to make just a few mistakes and totally screw up the rest of your life?
What if I've already screwed up my life and I just don't know it yet?

Ugh. I hate when I get like this, and I hate even more when I sound whiny. Then I suddenly remember what Conan said on his last episode. I remember it because I felt so inspired by his positivity. I have to hope that what he says is true, because otherwise I have no idea what to think.

All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing. Please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen.

Two thumbs up for the great Conan! I promise I'm not usually this cynical. I'm a really optimistic person, I swear! It's just that I'm human, and I'm honest, and as an honest human I have to say: the future is effin' scary sometimes, *insert ugly adjectives here and how the summer sun engulfs us with its mighty heat* and your late 20s especially suck because it feels like all the decisions you make carry the weight of the entire world. People keep telling me they don't; I can't help but suspect that, secretly, they do.

Perhaps our entire 20s can best be summed up with one singular, rather annoying symbol. Get ready. It's a classic. Here it is.


As an afterthought, summer sun can be cute. All with the hope of altering my mood.

I'll stop my yada yada right now. Mood has been altered already. Merci beaucoup.

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